Zzzzz…

Adel Gabot

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2:59PM

I have long wondered if I snore or not.

Or if I do, how loudly? I mean, you never can tell yourself, you’re friggin’ asleep!

I suspect I do.

I fit the type, certainly. I’m a big, strapping guy in my early 50s, how could I not snore? With big, earth-shatterring gulps of air, rattling the floorboards and sending the dogs outside in a frenzy. And keeping everybody awake.

Or was I a quiet snorer, with a light, comforting buzz that actually lulls other people to sleep?

I haven’t had complaints though. My wife surely never did. Not once. But then again, she could have just been very polite.

So this week, I set about finding out.

Just before I fell asleep at night, I set my iPhone to record and set it beside me. To make sure, I did it for several nights in a row.

The iPhone, using the app Voice Memos, recorded the sounds I made while asleep—which, I found out, was not much. In fact, at first I had trouble telling if I was really recording anything.

Leafing through the file, it was a while before I heard myself shifting around to find a better position in my sleep, which was damned loud. The third time I recorded myself, I heard the dog outside barking in the middle of the night around 3:30AM, and that’s when I realized: I. DON’T. SNORE.

In fact, I’m so quiet, I could be dead for all you cared.

So there. Another of life’s mysteries solved.


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